Kratman to Replace Priebus

ATHENS, Greece—   Anonymous high ranking officials with access to deeply classified information report that Donald Trump’s appointment of Thomas P. Kratman as White House Chief of Staff will be a coup for Russian intelligence services.

“Putin wants Kratman in that position, because Priebus only sees Clinton as someone to oppose.”

“Our sources say that Kratman is a very bad writer, a Russian spy, and an enemy to all forms of democracy.” said another.

“Lieutenant Colonel Kratman is the latest in Trump’s pattern of militarizing civilian government.” said a third.

Since his retirement as a columnist at, Kratman has been traveling and meeting extensively.  He is believed to have been recruiting for the White House Staff, preparing for a civil war or trolling the left.

Michael Leeden reported: “After speaking with some of Kratman’s previous bosses, I am convinced that Kratman’s ability to take direction is fully the equal of Trump’s ability to give it.”

W. Lewis Anselem is alleged to be head of Kratman’s program for the oversight and reform of the Department of State.

Jerry Pournelle and David Weber are said to have been asked if they will chair a committee to make recommendations for a national missile defense strategy.  Both have declined to comment.

It is reported that Kratman has been in negotiation with Liz Mair, Moe Lane, and Fail Burton to find a permanent White House Communications Director.

An alt-Right spokesman denounced Kratman as a “Dyscivic and dysgenic leftwinger, the same as everyone he is bringing on board.”

Danil Muhlenkampf of denies any involvement of Russian intelligence services in this decision.  “Putin has been in intelligence for decades.  He would’ve been fired if he didn’t have some skill in concealing his own opinions and intentions.  It is absurd to make specific, as opposed to broad, conclusions about what he wants.  Okay, if an American plans to build missile defense, nuke Russia, then come in and murder the survivors, he would support that American’s opponents, at least in his heart.  But if that isn’t on the table, it is harder to be sure.  He might endorse one weakling over the other to divide their factions in the certain knowledge that neither would punish him.  The SVR is absolutely not involved.”

A secret service agent wearing a wire to ‘investigate counterfeiting’ has provided us with extensive tapes.  Trump said “Toma┼ż is my favorite author.  His wife is very beautiful.  He is a big fan of me.”

SIGINT hobbyists report that decrypted Russian messages from a source code named MELANIN, operating in the US since 1996, confirm that quotation exactly.

An Iranian mole in the White House Staff reports that Kratman had been in consideration for Poet Laureate, but was instead tapped for WHCoS at Priebus’s request due to concerns about handling the Comms Director issue.  Chinese collection of White House emails confirms this.

Baldy Dongs, human rights activist and former regime official, has another explanation.  “It’s very simple.  Trump is extremely racist.  Trump’s mother was Scotch, and Kratman’s Irish.  Kratman’s German on the paternal side matches Trump’s in Trump’s eyes, despite being Jewish, because Trump loves Zionists.  Kratman’s Panaman wife is close enough racially to Trump’s Slovenian. Trump has a very low tolerance for people who are different from him.”

The staff of Rodrigo Duterte provided the press with the following statement: “I look forward to seeing Americans return to sanity, compassion, and ethics in criminal justice and the treatment of substance abuse.”

It is likely that Kratman’s next Science Fiction novel, Gutenspengler die Dutchenfaken der Drippelhausen dan Karatekan, will never come out, and would be illegal to read anyway.

Alex Macris, Toni Weisskopf, John Ringo, Ken Hite, Sonny Bunch, Robin Laws, Mickey Mouse, Douglas Cole, William Sherman, Newt Gingrich, Caleb Howe, Larry Corriea, Leon Wolf, Anselem, Mair, Lane, and Burton have yet to respond to our requests for information.
—Poe’s Law News

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One Response to Kratman to Replace Priebus

  1. tweell says:

    Off to buy as much heavy lumber as I can manage, plus a post hole digger! Crucifix assembly will commence immediately if not sooner!

    Hmm. I wonder if David Drake will manage to convince Kratman that a sharpened stake is more efficient. No matter, I will be prepared even if Tom is willing to be merciful.

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